Ahh, ex-sex. You are familiar with their body and it can be taboo, which can be really hot. But should you take the plunge?
“To not drive yourself crazy, I suggest to think of the physical aspects of sex and keep your head out of it,” says Tiffany Yelverton, Sex Educator, Sex Coach, Speaker, who founded the Sexual Wellness company, Entice Me.
Focus on the sensations of sex and not if you are going to get back together, etc. “I suggest making a list of all the things that you don’t like about your ex and have that to look at once you return home or after they have left, after sex,” says Yelverton. That will help you stay clear about not wanting to get back together or wondering if you might get back together.
Don’t ask if he/she is dating. “I think it is a good idea to just keep it at sex and not catch up on life. Don’t ask questions that you don’t want to hear the answer to or get re-engaged in their life. If you are concerned with being too clingy afterwards or wondering if he/she is going to call, block their number, so you won’t be wondering,” says Yelverton. That way if you want to hook up again, you can unblock the number and reach out.
Having sex with an ex is a recipe for disaster unless you:
Make sure you are clear about what your expectations for the relationship are. “You and your partner need to be on the same page about what you really want from the connection,” says Barbara Greenberg Ph.D., clinical psychologist and family and relationship therapist (http://drbarbaragreenberg.com/)
Let time pass. There needs to have been a sufficient amount of time between break-up and reconnecting to make this work. “Without many months of healing time, there are still too many fresh emotions and feelings involved and it’s likely to lead to confusion,” says Antonia Hall, MA., a psychologist, relationship expert and sexpert and the award-winning author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life. (Antoniahall.com).
Be honest with yourself. Are you able to separate sex from the ties that used to bind you two? “It’s really important, to be honest with yourself about why you’re connecting with your ex and if it’ll be a healthy choice for yourself. If you can unequivocally say yes it’ll just be sex and it won’t lead to confusion, then enjoy,” says Hall.
Don’t cuddle up or stay over. Keep time together relegated to just the sex, and not a cuddle session or overnight stay. “Being in your ex’s arms will have your body producing dopamine and oxytocin, which are bonding hormones. Avoid the temptation to curl up with them afterwards to prevent potential hurt feelings for one or both of you.,” says Hall.
Make sure that you have a support group of friends to talk to. “It’s very likely that you will have feelings that are painful and that you didn’t expect to have. Re-connecting with exes on any level can bring back all kinds of memories including the not so pleasant ones,” says Greenberg.
Keep in mind that the fantasy of sex with the ex may be better than the actual sex. So, think (a lot) before indulging.
If you do have sex with an ex and it turns out to be a mistake find it within your heart to forgive yourself and literally and figuratively move on. Self-compassion is key, says Greenberg.
Finally, keep in mind that you may find this entanglement to be more than you bargained for. It is quite a tricky and unpredictable recipe.