How to Deal When You and Your Partner Have Different Sex Drives

By Amanda Chatel

If you find someone who has the same sex drive as you, consider yourself very lucky. While it’s not impossible, per se, it’s not exactly the easiest thing in the world either. The problem with sex drives that don’t match is that while one person is locked and ready to go, the other person might feel a little “meh” about it. There’s nothing worse than having sex when you’re not in the mood or having sex with someone who’s not in the mood. Both parties need to present in order for the sex to be good or, ideally, great.

So how do you deal when you and your partner have different sex drives? Breakup! No, I kid, of course! Here are four ways to handle it.

  1. Be honest about it. If your partner is trying to have sex and you’re just not in the mood for it, be honest. You need to have a really open dialogue about the fact that you just have different sex drives. If you’re not honest, then the partner with the higher sex drive might feel as though you’re rejecting them due to lack of interest in them or that you’re not attracted to them. You need to make them understand that it’s not about them at all. Which brings us to…
  2. Don’t take it personally. If you’re the one with the higher sex drive in the relationship, you need to not take it personally if your partner doesn’t want to have sex every time you want to have sex. You need to understand that it’s not about you or something you’re lacking, but that your partner just doesn’t have the libido that you have. It’s really that simple.
  3. Realize there’s more to your relationship than sex. While sex is definitely a big component in a relationship, you need to realize it’s not the ONLY thing. You can have intimate moments by cuddling, practicing mutual masturbation – if that’s something your partner with the lower libido might prefer – and engage in other sex-related acts that aren’t actual sex. Believe it or not, there’s a whole slew of ways to orgasm and feel intimacy at the same time – it’s just about being creative.
  4. Don’t make each other feel bad about it. Ever. So one of you wants to get it on all the time and one of you thinks once or twice a month is enough. Instead of making each other feel bad about it, accept it. If you love this person, if you care for them deeply and only want them to feel happy and safe in the relationship, then there’s no room for making each other feel bad about it. Besides, people can go through phases when it comes to their sex drives, so that doesn’t mean someone’s libido can be excessively high or excessively low forever. Someday, you just might meet in the middle, and voila! You’ve hit the jackpot.

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